I am often accused of being authentic, though I think my authenticity is often confused with saying things that most people know not to in social settings. Authentic is more about being real, despite the consequences. I trend towards skewing the story to my favor, like we all do.
I have been struggling for the past eleven years, four years, two years, and more directly the past two weeks. I have the honor and privilege to care for a mentally ill child. To fight for, advocate for, to be a mom to someone who doesn’t understand the weight of that word. Two weeks ago he tried to kill me during a break from reality. When reality returned, there I was signing him into a psychiatric facility. Watching him really want a mommy as they took him away.
Even though the doctor fears he is a threat to my safety, the insurance will not cover anything beyond an immediate threat. Meaning. He has to try to kill me, again. I’m guessing this is the way it will be until he succeeds.
This is not the first child I’ve dealt with who has had these issues. I can’t even count on one hand the number, this IS the first time I’ve been concerned for my own safety on an ongoing basis.
I have letter after letter stating that “we have exhausted our available resources” as it concerns my child. This afternoon I have to call the abuse hotline on my child. Knowing that it will be turned on me. That they will suggest another 12 weeks of parenting classes even though I have over 500 hours under my belt. That my “book” that now nears 60 pages of incident reports, psychologist recommendations, psychiatry recommendations, police reports, truancy records, and various such things will fall on deaf ears as we go down the list of services I have yet to employ.
At the end of the day, I know that I, and I alone, will be watching as my child, who really wants a mommy, who does not understand the weight of that word, IIIIII will be watching him, look at me and wonder where I am as they take him to a more secure facility.
And the next day, I will get up and fight for my own sanity. I will fight to keep my own health. I will fight for strong and healthy minds and bodies. I will remind myself that these are the battles we are preparing to fight when we are Becoming Awesomer. We want the strength and the energy to live in this beautiful messy world, regardless of the size of our dress.
Until next time,
I am Annie. I am a Fitness and Nutrition UNstructor. I help women unlearn the bad habits, bad science, and misleading marketing that is keeping them from reaching their health goals. Join me over on Facebook for more awesomeness.